Popularity

My newly found on-line community with old friends and acquaintances has brought back deep feelings of, fears of, popularity, or my lack of it.

What made the popular kids popular anyway? Was it beauty? Was it fashion? Was it intelligence? Was it money? Was it sense of humor? Was it confidence?

I thought these painful feelings were gone. After high school, they seemed to wane. College didn’t hold the same divides the teenage-filled hallways contained. I loved that. I loved that I mostly could be me, be myself, and not feel quite so alone, feel such an outcast.

FaceBook has brought it all back. The pain. The fear. The anxiety. I find myself checking to see who has confirmed my request for friendship, who has requested me. And when someone doesn’t confirm right away, I wonder why. Is it because I was a nobody back then? Because they never really liked me in the first place? Not hearing from one particular friend right away actually had me in tears (She confirmed the next day – anxiety nixed).

Now, 18 years out of that place that gave me such grief, my emotions are still the same. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t fashion-forward. I was of average intelligence (less than, if you ask Mr. Claxon). I didn’t live in the rich neighborhood. I wasn’t particularly witty. I definitely wasn’t confident. 18 years later and I’m shaking as I write this. If they read it, will they laugh at me? Am I making myself even less appealing by sounding so pathetic?

It is 18 year later though. Therefore, the questions no longer need be about why I didn’t fit in then. Instead I need to deal with the now. I think I’ve learned one thing through the years. Popularity is not about beauty, fashion, intelligence, money, or wit. I really believe it boils down to confidence. Popular people are popular because they draw people to them, they are true to themselves, they expect people to like them, and they believe they are liked by those who call them friends.

Confidence is really what it’s all about. Do I have it? Can I fake it? Do I need to? I do possess more confidence than I once did…

I do need to work on my confidence. I need to trust myself. I need to trust others. I need to trust I am liked, I am loved. I need to work on this to reinforce my relationships. My goal should not be popularity, it should be strength.

Everyone knows it’s wrong to seek popularity, but it can’t be wrong to seek confidence. Confidence, not for popularity’s sake, but the sake of confidence itself, and the strength it may bring.